So in my hand I had the cause and solution of my problem. I would drink too much alcohol. Then the next day feel anxious, unhappy, sad, and the rest, then the way to get over that would be to drink again. Repeat. What did I need to do? Stop drinking. So why couldn’t I? Because it is really fucking hard! And it’s also bloody scary.
What I was waiting for was the angel from “Highway to Heaven” to come along and show me the way. Or maybe to meet the wizard so he could say “Just click your fucking heels you daft bint”. But sadly those two must have been off helping others. So what was becoming more and more apparent was I needed to help me (yes I’m an angel and a wizard in one).
I’ve spoke in a post before about an acronym I came up with called FOND. The fear of not drinking. And that was my biggest problem. I was proper scared that without alcohol, life would be about as interesting and disappointing as watching “Bird Box” on repeat (sorry to digress but what the actual cock flaps was that about???).
Anyway… if you have an answer to the problem then just sort it out. Makes sense? Of course. But that FOND puts you in a place where you actually convince yourself that it’s better to keep on killing yourself (apparently that’s what happens when you keep pouring poison into your cake hole) than to live an alcohol free life.
Without alcohol I thought I would be lonely (wrong) bored (wrong) unsatisfied (wrong) unconfident (wrong) left out (wrong) jealous of drinkers (double wrong), skinny (triple wrong. I’m not one of these who’s stopped drinking and turned into a Greek God. But I do love Halloumi and that’s Greek so…). On all these thoughts I was completely wrong.
To put that drink down and not pick it up again is the biggest challenge I have ever faced. And as with all big challenges it has been the most rewarding. I was focusing on the wrong things. I shouldn’t have been focusing on what I was going to lose (which in reality was nowt) but what I was about to gain which was everything.
A friend was asking me the other day for advice about stopping drinking and that’s what I told him. Don’t focus on the crap you think you will lose because I promise you what you will gain will be 10 times as good. Of course sober people don’t live in Care Bear land where all is smoothies and roses but when shit does come along, you deal with it sober.
For some reason writing this post has made me feel emosh. It may be because I can’t lie in bed after sunrise so I’m feeling a bit Sleepy Jean but I think it’s more. When you write stuff down it really helps to process it. And when I stop and process the hold that the poison had on me it guts me. The good news? That’s all in my past.