Okay, so, I’m sure you will have heard of AVR, but in case you haven’t…it’s stands for Addiction Voice Recognition. What is it? It’s that voice in your head that says “just one more” + “this will make you happy” + “everyone else is doing it” + “you’re not that bad” etc etc
I honestly thought I was the only one who could hear this voice. Turns out…thousands of us do! So the technique is to give that voice a personality, a name, imagine what they look like. Hell, I even know what mine wears on different days. Yes, I have an overactive imagination but it’s really helped me.
I was doing AVR before I realised what it was and I called mine the Beer Bully. I’ve heard loads of different names for this recently, who cares what you call it as long as it works. My Beer Bully was a right twat. And he went from being this big booming bastard of a bully to a little whimpering shell of a man when I’d finally stopped drinking.
However, for me now Beer Bully doesn’t work. He’s dead, never to be heard of again. I didn’t even bother going to his funeral, no one did. So I have a new one. His name is Frenemy Frank and he’s far more sophisticated than my last nemesis. Why is he a Frenemy? Because that sly tit wank tries to be my mate. He’s not obvious like the Beer Bully.
Frank will try and put his arm around me and comfort me. Frank says shit like “Mate, I miss you, come back and have a drink with me. It’s not that bad. You’ve made it into something bigger than it really is. You were such a good laugh when you were drunk. All your mates are still doing it, you’re seriously missing out.”
He hugs me tighter “It’ll be different this time, you haven’t drunk for ages, you’re in control. Trust me, you’ll be happier drinking again. It was such a laugh”. But I’ve got experience with this sort of bullshit talk and I say “Frank, firstly, back off, I’m married. Secondly, your breath smells like a 3 week old kipper that my dog just shat on”
It really helps me to think of him with yellow teeth and bad breath. I digress. “And thirdly, Frank, you make me sick, I do not need you or alcohol anymore. I am a stronger, happier,healthier person now. So you need to do one you slimy vat of gone off toad spunk”. I would like to say at this point I don’t do this in public.
And this technique REALLY DOES WORK!!!! I no longer have to listen to the Beer Bully who used to pop up morning, noon and night. Pre drinking, during drinking and post drinking. He’s six feet under and I also buried his pathetic deer stalker hat with him (I never understood the hat but it helped).
I have to be very careful of Frenemy Frank. He still hasn’t quite got the message. I have a feeling he may be that twat who’s always the last to get any sort of message, so my guard is up. However, Frank doesn’t scare me. I’ve got him under control.
Brush your teeth and fuck off.
Love The Gay Sober.