I have only just realised that I now remember every waking hour of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still forget stuff like names (not my own) and birthday dates (definitely not my own) etc. But I no longer spend time time trying to piece together things that may or may not have happened or things I may or may not have said the night before.
I was really bad for not remembering things I said when I was really pissed. Or worse actually… I’d remember a snippet of the conversation and that snippet would usually be played in my head as negative. For example, I’d worry that I’d said something in jest that would have come out unkind. Or truthfully, sometimes, just been fucking unkind.
This wouldn’t happen every time I drank but it would happen a lot as my tolerance for lager was high. Therefore I was pretty much bathing my brain in that poison. No wonder I couldn’t remember stuff. When I look back I’m realising that I would possibly lose a couple of hours a week. Like what the actual stinky fondue was I doing to myself?
Two months before I stopped drinking I actually forgot some really big news that one of my closest mates had got a massive job that he’d wanted for ages. Apparently I was thrilled that night and kept doing toasts and even made a teary eyed speech to the table (alright Churchill, sit down thank you babes).
When he brought up the job a few days later. I was completely shocked and apparently reacted in exactly the same way (minus the speech). Well at least I was consistent. I laughed it off but was actually mortified. It was just another nail in my sozzled coffin of alcohol. If I could forget that, what else have I forgotten over the years.
But then, when I’ve traced back through my drinking timeline (yes I did a little timeline as I was so confused where it went wrong), I realised that that’s what got me to my drinking problem. That I was trying to forget the feeling of grief. Maybe it would have happened anyway but I’ll never know. So in a way….on the forgetting side, job done.
But not anymore. Now I remember everything ( I mean that’s hardly being Belinda Brag Balls here as that’s how it should be). I won’t remember your birthday or possibly not your name but I will remember everything else. Oh…and it means I no longer have to check my bank details to see where I went the night before!