Last night I had an identity crisis about the new me. And I am shook!
So last night I went to an event in a massive warehouse, a new and updated Bingo evening. It was a work thing and everyone knew I wasn’t drinking and was really supportive and interested. However, it was horrendous! I knew it would be “crazy” but I hadn’t thought about how I would feel being around that many (hundreds) of drunk people.
I knew I was in the wrong place pretty quickly. Peoples faces had already started to droop and go wonky (it reminded me of a fire in Madame Tussauds) , it was 6 deep at the bar and the smell of alcohol was turning my stomach.
What was really strange for me is I could see myself in this place. Drunk. No, hammered, and having a brilliant time.
I started to envy the drunk people! What the actual finger of fudge? In my 6 months sober I have never envied anyone drinking. I actually started to panic. No, not for one second did I nearly drink but I started to see the “fun” side and was beginning to miss it.
I went to the bar for an AF lager and queued in the drunken mob (I am of course being over dramatic, the people were fine) and this panicky feeling was getting worse. So I had a word with myself. What am I doing here? Who are you pleasing? What’s the worst that could happen if you just leave? Why is that boy next to me wearing Joop? (!).
So I got my overpriced drinks, went back and told the person who’d invited me that I was off in 10 minutes. He came over and said “of course, thanks so much for coming”. Oh right! It was that easy!!! I left but was still feeling upset, anxious, shaky…..basically an emotional mess.
I sat in my car and “played the tape forward”.
I saw myself being very loud, talking over others, pissed off at the queue at the bar, smoking 20 cigs, spending 50+ quid, the others leaving, me being naggy for them to stay or go on, waking up today feeling rough, worried about what I’d said to colleagues and then waiting all Saturday so I could drink again to get rid of the hangover.
It worked. I calmed down and I found humour in the situation but I was still unsettled by the envy of the drunk feeling. How long did that envy really last though? 5, 10 minutes max. How long have I been sober and feeling amazing? Six months. It was like I finally realised that a part of me, a huge part of me, really has gone forever.
And of course this is the point and this is what makes me happy…but it was an overwhelming feeling.
So yeah, I definitely know who I am and who I want to keep being. The Sober Gay of course! Not the oh shit I’ve gone and drunk 10 pints of lager and now feel as rough as a hedgehogs ball sack gay. And I shall leave you with that image!