So today a muggle asked me (yep, I now call people who still drink muggles. Thank you J.K. Rowling), “How do you relax if you don’t drink?”. So I answered “Well it was the drink that was stressing me out. So now I don’t drink I just am relaxed”. He just sort of stared at me like I’d kicked him in the cock and balls then walked off.
Okay, so of course I’m not walking around giving out gerberas to strangers (like Macy Gray) saying “peace man”. But I am way more chilled out than I ever have been. Don’t get me wrong, I still get hyper and scream like the mermaid in “Splash” when I win £2 on a scratch card but I am genuinely more relaxed.
Also, let’s break it down. Alcohol never relaxed me. The reason I felt relaxed was because finally I was pouring my chosen drug down my falafel hole. The drug that I’d been thinking about since the last time I’d abused it. Or maybe it felt like it was relaxing me as I’d be hungover to fuck and with that first drink I’d be “taking the edge off”.
We all know that alcohol absolutely does not relax us. It numbs us, it puts our body under unbelievable strain, it causes huge stress in our lives, it gives us anxiety, it makes us worry that we are killing ourselves, it makes us into overbearing knobs (excuse that image) and it adds poison into our bodies. Relaxing? Uhhh….no babes.
We know deep down when we’re drinkers that it doesn’t really relax us. We just use it as yet another excuse to drink. Let’s find something stressful in our day. The answer to get rid of that stress? Ah yes, alcohol. When I think of truly relaxed people they are not usually drinkers. Do we see yoga teachers chugging on a litre bottle of cider? No.
Anyway, my point is. How do I now relax? Well firstly, I don’t drink. Apart from that, I watch telly, chat to mates, take my dog for a walk, read books, google “will there ever be a Friends reunion” and basically live my life (lets not forget checking insta 76 times a day). So next time a muggles asks me that I shall show them this post.