Well Paul Simon may have had 50 ways to leave his lover but I had 6046 reasons why I shouldn’t stop drinking alcohol. Number 3068 was because I thought that alcohol was a part of who I was. I thought that without the drink I would change into someone I didn’t like and more worryingly (at the time) someone who maybe other people didn’t like.
I had convinced myself that without alcohol I wasn’t enough. Now being nearly 3 years sober that sounds crazy to me but at the time I really did think that the crazy juice made me what? More interesting? More fun to be around? More likely to eat pizza and chips at 2am? ( Oh shit, the last one is true).
But it turns out it didn’t make me ‘more’ anything. It made me less. Less patient, less kind (to myself and others), less stable, less confident, less healthy, less everything. It was actually covering up who I really was and not adding anything to my life apart from beer boobs and a shit load of suffering.
As I said this is just one worry that kept me drinking and I can still see that it was a valid concern. When I was drinking, alcohol WAS a part of who I was. It dominated my life in ways I didn’t even realise until I put the sticky pint glass down and actually looked up.
I was also right with my hunch that I would change and become a different person. I did change. Massively. But there was no need to worry as it was only for the better. So yeah, I worried that without alcohol I wouldn’t be enough but it turns out it’s exactly the opposite.